Sheldon Swifties LXXII: The Dark Secret of Sheldon Cooper
by regertz
Summary: Mrs. Dr. Fowler-Cooper forces Sheldon to fess up the truth to Leonard and Penny about his role in their relationship…
1. Chapter 1

Sheldon Swifties LXXII: "The Dark Secret of Sheldon Cooper…"

Summary: Mrs. Dr. Fowler-Cooper forces Sheldon to fess up the truth to Leonard and Penny about his role in their relationship…

Disclaimer: All is Chuck's

Part I…

Pasadena…Several days after the triumphant return of the newlyweds…

Leonard and Penny's apartment living room…

"A 'dark secret'…" Leonard eyed Sheldon. "You have a 'dark secret' you want to tell us."

"No. Amy's forcing me to tell. I had planned to take it to my grave…Or erase it later from my android memory when Amy and I are uploaded."

"Oh, sweetheart…" Amy beamed. Then frowned… "That's not getting you off, here. Proceed."

"Wait…" Penny blinked. "You're saying you brought us together? Sheldon, I know you have a big ego but…"

"No, not 'us' as in you and Leonard equally. I brought you together with Leonard…" he noted.

"Wha…t?" Leonard, staring.

"What?" Penny, staring. "You think you made me love Leonard?"

"Bestie…" Amy sighed. "You better listen to the whole story."

"Amy." Penny put up a hand. "I think your new husband is letting his new status make him delusional. I'm sure…" she cut Sheldon's effort to interject off… "He did what he could at times when he felt badly about his best friend to help us. I remember when he asked me not to hurt him…And I love you for it, Sheldon, you sweetie…But, come on. This was a relationship that took years to build."

"Besides it's not like she's insane about me…" Leonard noted.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Penny glared. "Is this that I don't love you as much as you love me stuff again? What, you don't think I suffered in this? Prya, Stephanie…My heart was in tatters over you so many times. And I still think…I mean, dream, of course…Of killing Wil Wheaton…"

Sheldon, arch look to Amy, who frowned…

"But you're right, of course…I'm not insane over you. I just love you very much and would give you a kidney if you needed one." Penny noted, calming.

"You would? Really?" Leonard beamed.

"Only if you really needed it but yeah." Penny shrugged. "Just cause I don't go all drippy-gooey every minute doesn't mean I wouldn't take a bullet for you. But that's beside the point, Sheldon…"

"I never meant to make you 'insane' over Leonard…" Sheldon noted. "Just to push you, hard, his way."

"Sheldon, this is getting a little weird…" Leonard began. "I'm worried about you, buddy…"

"I moved in, I liked Leonard right away. He won my heart and after a lot of effort finally saw me as more than just a hot girl he'd like to wear like a trophy…" Penny insisted.

"Wha…t?" Leonard…

"Come on, you know it's true. I loved you and hoped you were the one for me a long time before you seriously considered me as wife material." Penny, firmly. "I mean you did fall for me preety quick but it was mainly just 'whoa, hot girl likes me, look fellas'…With a nice dollop of real concern for me, I know." Brief warm smile.

"That's what kept me hopin' all through our breakups. I could see there was real caring deep down there." She said, quietly. "I always remember that Halloween party when you really were afraid for me with Kurt."

"You were so sad…I knew something was going on, something awful." Leonard sighed.

"And you actually did something about it…" she beamed. "No other guy ever did that for me…"

"Well, I didn't exactly beat him up…"

"That's not what I wanted…" she smiled. "And I can count on fingers of one hand how many guys in Pasadena could beat up Kurt…You faced him and nearly got your head kicked in, for me."

"Thanks…I didn't know you felt that way about it…" he smiled.

"Heck, I made sure I came with you the next time you saw him, right?" she frowned. "I was afraid he'd kill you."

"Uh…People…" Sheldon interrupted, annoyed. "Bill and coo later, if you still can. Trying to confess my darkest deed here…"

"Yeah…Let my…Husband confess." Amy agreed, likewise annoyed.

"Sure. Fine. Fess away." Penny shrugged. "But this is crazy, Sheldon. I loved Leonard on my own, almost from the moment I met him…I was just a little scared to trust him."

"And why would you, a woman with nothing in common with Dr. Leonard Hofstadter, physicist of the junior bush league variety…"

"Hey!" Penny frowned.

"…Comic book lover, Dr. Who and Star Trek fan, geek par excellence, 'fall' as you say, almost from the moment you met him, for him? I submit the question to you, Mrs. Hofstadter."

"You're starting to move me from concerned for my beloved strange little friend to annoyed, Sheldon." Penny noted. "And Amy? Why are you indulging him in this crap?"

"You do seem angry, Mrs. Hofstadter…" Sheldon, archly. "And why would that be, instead of simply amused at my bizarre-to-you, perhaps, statements? Could it be that, deep down, if you search your feelings, you know what I'm saying to be true?"

"Ok, into annoyed zone." Penny glared. "Sheldon, yes…Leonard and I are very different in some ways but not really so much…He loves comics, I love the fashion mags. He loves Star Trek, I love football. He loves Science, I love shoes. It's just a different perspective…Which line I got from watching Star Trek with the bald guy and that cute Riker dude. But most of all, I love Leonard for the sweet and loving guy he is. And you're hurting me by suggesting otherwise, Sheldon."

Leonard, rather moved now…

"Oh, now you're making Leonard cry…" Penny fumed.

"No…I'm not…" he tried.

"I know it's my declaration of love, honey…See this is why I keep the gooey stuff between us. You always cry. He always cries." She noted to Sheldon and Amy.

"We know." They agreed.

"But, Bestie…" Amy sighed. "After Sheldon finally told me when his mom told him he should have no secrets from me, and we spent a very long night of him reciting this, along with the others I already knew about, I felt you had to know the truth. And he had to face whatever punishment you and Leonard feel you must bestow. Though please remember he is the love of my life and father of my unborn child."

"Amy?! Oh my God!" Penny beamed.

"To be, I mean…I've not done my daily pregnancy test after coitus yet." Amy shrugged. "Please, just let him tell you…"

"Now I'm moving into slightly creeped out zone…" Leonard noted.

"Yeah…Amy?" Penny stared. "You don't seriously believe…? Wait a minute…" she relaxed.

"I remember when I moved in the building here. The moment I saw Leonard and thought he was the sweetest lil' thing…" beam. "You're crazy, Cooper."

"No. Just thorough." Sheldon noted. "May I ask what led you to choose our building and that particular apartment?"

"What…? Uh, decent rent, good size, great location." Penny noted.

"Not really for the area as to rent or size. But how did you find out about the place?"

Long stare… "I was searching the rental books, asking about places…I don't remember exactly but…"

"Sheldon?" Leonard blinked. "You're saying you got Penny to take her apartment?"

"That's ridiculous." Penny frowned. "We didn't even know each other. How could you have?"

"My friend needed to have his confidence raised and to meet a nice girl of suitably attractive body chassis. I was afraid he was going to do something terrible like move to LA, after Joyce Kim and his other failures." Sheldon noted.

"Wha…t?" Leonard, Penny joining in…

"Leonard was the best friend I'd ever had. I couldn't bear the thought of losing him, as much as his failure to keep to my bathroom schedule and his penchant for buying furniture annoyed me. Plus he'd introduced me to the first set of real friends I'd had since I left East Texas, Howard and Raj. I couldn't lose all that."

"I knew it!" Penny beamed. "He did always have a heart in there somewhere. You owe me twenty bucks, Hofstadter. Mrs. H'll take it out of the family account." Nod, leaning back expansively in chair.

"Uh, sure…" Leonard nodded, increasingly anxious.

"Don't be worried…" Penny, shaking head. "I'm just indulging him and my bestie to get them to shake this nonsense." She patted him.

"If I may…?" Sheldon, frowning. "So I sought an answer and decided that I would apply the principles of Pavlov and several more recent psychological researchers including…"

"Don't say it…" Leonard sighed.

"Your mother…"

"I asked you not to say it…" sigh.

"That's crazy, Sheldon. We didn't even know each other then." Penny eyed him.

"I also applied statistical researches on social interaction plus performing a socioeconomic/psychological/general physical characteristical review of women in Leonard's age bracket to determine what women would both strongly appeal to Leonard while plausibly being capable of being interested in and remaining in a relationship with him. See, I was going for the long haul."

"Wha…t?" Leonard, Penny.

"Sadly my results were rather negative. Very few women who would appeal enough to Leonard to overcome his fear of failure and inadequacy would even consider a male of his type, age, income, geekiness. And they were either in stable relationships or not likely to move into our building except via kidnapping and brainwashing."

Penny eyeing Leonard nervously…

You don't think…

"There's not enough room in the basement. People come down to the laundry room all the time." Leonard hissed back.

"it seemed my quest was hopeless. My roommate and friend was simply doomed to wander the iniquitous dens of the City of Anything But Angels…And I forced to find a new roommate and friend, someone with Leonard's pliability and lack of defined personality being…"

"Come on, now…" Leonard groused.

Still, LA…Yeah…

"LA…Yeah, I might really have been quite the playa there…" Leonard, leaning back in chair.

"Sure, you would've, honey." Penny patted him.

Amy eyeing Sheldon…

"No, she's just humoring him, it's not servility."

"Sheldon, while I'm at least glad to know you didn't think I'd settle for the first girl to come along…" Leonard noted.

"Oh, I never said that…" Sheldon eyed him. "You'd've jumped on just about anything in those days. Attempted coitus with mud as my father would say, in more colloquial terms. It's just they wouldn't've lasted and the pickin's as my father would say, were slim in these parts. However…If I may resume… My analysis, reviewed by…"

"Don't say it." Leonard sighed.

"Your mother…"

Penny patting Leonard sympathetically…

"That could be servility…" Sheldon noted to Amy…

"Suggested a prominent category from which the most likely candidate to be immediately successful in holding Leonard's attention and needy enough to give him a chance…" he continued.

"Hey." Penny frowned.

"Economically needy…" Sheldon elaborated. "Were local Pasadena-based actresses, ages 18-50."

"Eighteen?" Penny asked.

"Fifty?" Leonard asked.

"Eighteen avoids jail and is barely socially tolerable and as for fifty, Leonard's a realist, after all." Sheldon noted.


	2. Chapter 2

Sheldon Swifties LXXII: "The Dark Secret of Sheldon Cooper…"

Summary: Mrs. Dr. Fowler-Cooper forces Sheldon to fess up the truth to Leonard and Penny about his role in their relationship…

Disclaimer: All is Chuck's

Part II…

"Before I continue unburdening myself of my darkest secret…It is customary during a lengthy tale…"

"Sheldon, I made you tea already." Leonard frowned.

"Just what was that crack about 'servility'?" Penny asked Amy.

Ummn…Well…

"Wait. I should be asking Sheldon. Sheldon? What was that crack about 'servility'?"

"Nice try, but Leonard was the object of focus." Sheldon noted.

"Me?" Leonard, a bit…Just a bit… Penny catching his sideways glance with frown…

"When you find me getting 'servile' your way, run. Cause I just found out you cheated on me and I'm lulling you into a false sense of security." Penny noted. "Ok, not servile. Sheldon?"

"It is customary…" he began.

"Not in the Hofstadter home." She replied grimly.

Wait…

"I mean not in Penny Hofstadter's home. See no servility at all. So?" she grimly eyed Sheldon…

"Well, I made the best of a failed effort. If I couldn't find Leonard the perfect mate guaranteed to keep him in Pasadena…"

"Believe me, we are not living with him and Amy, I promise." Penny noted to Leonard.

"…I could secure the closest alternate until I could locate said mate."

"Alternate? As in, sub? Me, a substitute?" Penny fumed, rising from her seat.

"Actually I was thinking more of a temp at the time." Sheldon noted.

"it's really sweet, if you think about it a certain way, him going to all this trouble, right, Leonard?" Amy, anxious smile, nervously seeking support. "Please don't let her kill him."

"Right…Maybe he could order me not to, me being so servile." Penny glared.

"Honey…He breaks really easy." Leonard, worried.

"Fine…" Penny, curtly.

Jesus…She blinked as Amy exchanged glance with Sheldon giving her the slightest of nods.

"I'm just tryin' to restain myself…" to a stunned Leonard. "I could brain him if I didn't want to avoid killing my bestie's new husband before she gets a crack at it."

She eyed his nervous look… "Leonard? You believe me, right?"

"Uh…Sure…Of course…" nod. "Yeah…This is just nonsense. Come on, Sheldon…" attempt to be jocular… "Stop kidding around."

Penny, stunned…Sitting. Clenching fists.

Ok…O…K…

Uh-oh…Leonard gulped.

"Sheldon…You finish your story." Penny, calmly now, but fists still clenched. "Then if there's anything to this…I will prove I'm free by whaling the tar out of you…And I won't need orders from Leonard, I promise you."

"Mayhaps this is one genie I shouldn't have made you let out of its bottle…" Amy noted to Sheldon.

…

"I realized given my results, I would have to cast my net fairly wide. The most efficient way was clearly to find a place where these female actors herded. I checked the local casting agencies and found the nearest, Kalifornia Kasting…"

Penny, slight gasp…As Leonard relaxed…

"Sheldon…Penny's been with Talent Unlimted since I knew her…Wha…t?" he eyed Penny's stricken look.

"I was signed with Kalifornia till just after I rented here…" she gulped.

"Ok…Ok…So he left an ad for the place there and you found it or a friend told you. No big deal…Nothing…"

"Sheldon, what did you do to me?!" Penny stood up.

"Honey, please…" Leonard, rising.

"Ok….Let him finish." She sighed, calmly. "Maybe you're right…Just an ad he left. Leonard…?" pleading look. "You'd tell me if I have an off switch?"

"Penny…You're letting your imagination run away with you. Honey. You have a father, a crazy wild family… Sheldon, this is enough. You're scaring Penny." He frowned Sheldonward.

"Well…She's not an android…I would never doodad an android for you." Sheldon frowned. "I might have had Howard do it but I didn't know him that well then and I hadn't worked out a theory of positronic brain modeling."

Phew…Penny sighed, taking seat. "Ok, I wasn't put together by Howard, thank God."

"Sheldon, maybe we'd best forget about this. Ha, ha…Newlyweds' joke. Sorry if we scared you, bestie." Amy had risen, nervously gesturing to Sheldon. "Come on, husband. We still have the weekend to home honeymoon."

"No, wait. I want to hear all of this." Penny, firmly.

Just so long as Howard doesn't have a remote control for me, I can bear up.

"Honey…" Leonard tried.

"I wanna hear this, Leonard. Ok…" pleased look. "No servility there. Lets get on with this, Sheldon." She insisted. "Maybe all it is is the apartment, honey." She turned to Leonard. "If so, it's just mildly creepy and kinda sweet."

"Sheldon, could I talk to you a moment?" Leonard asked.

"Hey. No editing." Penny glared. "Hey…" she beamed. "That sounds like the me I know. Leonard, sit down and let him finish. I think it's ok. Sheldon's not one to ask Howard to program spunkiness into an android."

"Unless of course I knew it would win Leonard over…" Sheldon noted.

"Not helping here, buddy." Leonard frowned.

"I already said she's not an android. Besides, as you pointed out, Leonard, she has a family. Though of course if Wolowitz could churn out one based on my designs…"

"Sheldon!" Leonard fumed.

"I promise you you're not an android, bestie." Any assured Penny who put up a hand. "Robotic technology just wasn't that advanced at the time, even if it would explain Bernadette." Reassuring smile, pat.

"Though such god-like perfection as you is hard to conceive as coming from mere random chance mating…If you were artificial, I'd have to go with cloning."

"Leonard?!"

"Honey, it would have taken at least twenty four years to grow a clone you." He noted.

You…She grinned. Twenty four years when we met, come on…

"That's debatable, in certain sci-fi accounts…" Sheldon shrugged. "But Penny isn't a clone or an android. I'd've long since adjusted her to a more suitable intelligence level and downloaded all of Leonard's interests into her."

"Thanks…" Leonard beamed.

"You wanna geek Penny 2.0?" Penny eyed him. "If you do, say the word and Howard can whip you one up to replace me."

"No, honey…" he tried.

"Now that I'm thinking about it…" Sheldon whispered to Amy. "I probably could have cobbled together some kind of positronic matrix design. Geek Penny 2.0 probably would have been a welcome addition to our group, so long as I could program 'Soft Kitty' into her."

"Thanks, Sheldon." Penny glared. "Nice to know how much you care."

"It's because I care I did all this…" Sheldon, quiet reply. "And I never said I'd prefer Penny 2.0 to you. She just would have been a welcome addition. If she could sing 'Soft Kitty'."

"No, she wouldn't." Amy, frowning. "And I will kill Howard if either of you gentlemen ever try to have him 'whip one up'. No offense, bestie. That would be too much encroaching on my game preserve."

Hmmn…Two Pennys, Leonard thought…

"You're thinking how nice it would have been to have the two of us, aren't you?" Penny eyed him.

"Wha…t?" he blinked. "No."

"On the other hand, you did get Sheldon a romantic train ride for Valentine's Day…" Penny eyed Amy. "And you were pretty Sheldonian when we met you. Robots can learn things, right?" she turned to Leonard.

"Amy's not an android…"Sheldon, indignant.

"Kinda odd how Howard and Raj just cooked you a perfect mate up out of that Internet dating site…" Penny, archly.

"Hey?" Amy, staring.

"And there has been some servileness in the way you ran after Sheldon…" Leonard, chiming in.

"Leonard?" Sheldon, annoyed…As Penny beamed at Leonard.

Thanks, husbro…Smile.

"Sorry, Amy. But you and Sheldonstein've been scaring Penny with all this crap about controlling her meeting me." Leonard noted.

"It's ridiculous. If Amy were an android, I'd've demanded far more enthusiasm for trains and less nonsense about romance." Sheldon noted. "Which would have been a terrible thing, in the long run." Smile to Amy.

Aw…If I weren't considering pounding him into the dirt at the end of this if he doesn't somehow make this sweet, I'd tear up a bit at that…Penny hissed to Leonard as Amy beamed fondly.

"And stopping blubbering…Our motivation is annoyance bordering on anger." Penny whispered.

"Well, at least suggest I could be a female Sheldon clone."Amy noted. "I'd've had no problem with that."

"And we're right back into the creepy zone…Very creepy." Leonard nodded.

….

"So you went to my agency…You…Actually went to my agency? Without Leonard driving you, then?"

"Actually…" Leonard, nervously clearing throat. "But I'd no idea it was a talent agency or what he was up to. There was a hobby store across the street and he said…"

Penny narrowly eyeing Sheldon…

"I can sometimes engage in subterfuge to help people I care about who don't know what they want." Sheldon noted.

"That better not be a subtle hint that you've been trying to get me to love trains…" Amy hissed.

"Amy 2.0 would…" Sheldon noted.


	3. Chapter 3

Sheldon Swifties LXXII: "The Dark Secret of Sheldon Cooper…"

Summary: Mrs. Dr. Fowler-Cooper forces Sheldon to fess up the truth to Leonard and Penny about his role in their relationship…

Disclaimer: All is Chuck's

Part III…

Kalifornia Kasting…Agency of and to the Stars, Pasadena branch…

"So let me get this straight…?" the middle aged receptionist behind desk, dyed red hair in tight bun, severe suit, coolly eyed Sheldon as he stood before her, in customary comic-themed T-shirt and khaki pants. Various clients seated about the room eyeing both, some rather eagerly trying to listen.

You never know…Guy looks like some kind of nut but he could be an eccentric young producer. Heck, if he's just another Ed Wood, that's at least money for food this week and maybe a screen credit however awful.

"You want to know if there are any actors, female…Ages 18-50…Who fit this profile?" tap of newly submitted form… "Who might be interested in moving into your building and what? Pretending to fall in love with this…Gentleman…?" She held up photo of Leonard…

Bad photo of Leonard, in corduroy suit with longer, bushier hair…

"Yes, though I'd hope they'd be open to the idea of really having a romance with him, for at least several years. Not that I'd expect them to be exclusive. Just discreet and, of course, to constantly have STD testing. I live with him you know."

"I see. And the remuneration you offer is…?" frozen smile.

"Well, I'd recommend them, in secret, to the landlord. They'd be welcome to dine with us occasionally if their eating and grooming habits are passable…I already have widened my standards to accommodate Leonard here." Tapping photo. "And I suppose if it's necessary I could offer a salary. Though I was told at the first agency I tried that that was illegal and they weren't an escort service."

"Neither are we. Get out!" she cried, throwing form he'd filled out at him.

He paused at door…"I must say that seems rather hard on your clientele, denying them such a fine opportunity to work with a stable plodder like Leonard."

Hmmn…Several clients listening looked after him….

Nah, he seems crazy and the escort service on Fifth pays steady.

("I did not take that gig…" Penny, weeping a bit in Leonard's arms. "Honey, I swear…"

"I know…Sheldon…" Leonard frowned. "Can't you see this is hurting my wife? Lets stop this right now."

"But Amy says I must confess all….And so did Mom…Well, she said confess all to Amy…Amy, to Penny…I do hope, Penny, you won't want me to confess to someone else after this."

"Sheldon!"

"No…Wait…" Penny pulled up, wiping eyes. "I don't know what happened here but I think I need to know. Sheldon, I wasn't there when you were, I didn't meet you. How did you manage to let me know about the apartment?"

"I was getting to that..Before Leonard's untimely and rather rude interruption to make some display of his manhood for us."

"I was not 'displaying' anything…I was comforting my wife and threatening you. Well, maybe I was displaying a little manhood." Leonard noted, eyeing Penny.

"Sure you were, honey." She patted him.

"I think she missed her calling in escort servicing…" Sheldon hissed to Amy.)

"So, it seemed I would not be able to find a temp substitute meeting most of Leonard's needs until the real female for him came along…"

(Sheldon…Leonard hissed.)

"Perhaps it was best to contact that escort service…They seemed to understand the sort of situation I was trying to convey."

("I was not an escort…" Penny sobbed. "Oh, honey…I know…" Leonard, glaring Sheldonward.

"Indeed, not." Sheldon agreed. "They'd've been far more professional. Leonard would've wound up in the sack with one of them in a day or two."

"Thank…You…I think…" Penny sobbed.)

"Hey, you…" a young woman had followed me from the office as I'd left.

"Yes…?" I looked for any possible escape from the menacing brunette bearing down on me. Fortunately rather below my height but definitely of far superior upper body strength.

On, the other hand, perhaps I had a candidate?

"You're looking for someone to take an apartment next to you and your buddy?" she asked.

"Yes…Well, across the hall from us."

"She'd have to sleep with the guy? Your friend?" hard stare.

"Well, no…Well, probably, eventually…I'd actually want her to fall in love with him…Or seem to. But the sleeping with would be voluntary…"

"Uh-huh. Is this prostitution, buddy? You a pimp?"

"Me? No…Well…I suppose if we consider the definition of a pimp to be someone who procures sexual favors for clients, in a way…"

She shook head…

"Ok, you'd want her to pretend to like him…Without him knowing…?"

("No…No…NO!" Penny shaking head vigorously. "Leonard, I swear…Never…Maybe he brainwashed me and it's ok now, it worked out… But I really…")

I eyed the young woman in detail…A bit on the short side, brunette, slim…But rather good sized as to breasts…

Attractive, in a somewhat appealing to Wolowitz kind of…

("Sheldon? You actually noticed…?" Penny stared, stunned.

"What? Who is this woman and where does she live?!" Amy cried.)

"Yes, that's about it." I nodded. "My friend needs what they call back in East Texas 'bucking up' and I thought…"

She chuckled a bit for some reason as if amused… "Wouldn't a whore be easier? But you want a 'nice girl', right?"

"Preferably someone without sexual transmissible or infectious disease, yes." I nodded.

"And you'd pay her…To pretend to like him? Not to sleep with him, unless…Voluntary?"

"If I must…Though Leonard is what they call, with some derision, back home in East Texas a 'nice guy'."

"Enough to pay for the apartment?"

"Well, I don't know that…I'm not sure if Leonard's love life is worth that much." Ponder… "Still he is a good friend…"

"And he's nice? He did look nice, what I saw of that photo in your folder in the office." The girl noted.

("What?" Penny blinked. "Who is this slut and where does she live?!"

"Penny? I never even met…" Leonard tried.

"But you could've and she might still be around, a failed actor, looking for a 'nice guy'. Oh, I so know the type…" Penny fumed.

Say nothing…Our lives depend on it, Amy hissed to Sheldon.)

I might be willing to give him a whirl…" the young woman noted. "I'm kinda desperate to find a place."

("Blonde…I was blonde then too…Wait?" Penny, eyes narrowed. "Who was that girl? Leonard?!" she eyed him. "Did you fall in love with someone besides that North Korean spy just before we met?! Tell me the truth! Oh, God…Was it that slut, Bernice Colder? Sheldon?")

Hmmn…I eyed her.

Well…I was running out of options and really preferred not to go the escort route or call one of those numbers in what Mom calls those "bad papers" one finds in coffee shops and other dens of ill repute.

"Can I see him again? Your pal?" she motioned for me to give her the folder I was carrying.

"Look, if he's nice I'll be nice to him. I'm not seeing anyone right now."

Ummn…Well…

The office door opened and someone came running out, in tears, shoving past me…

"Sorry…" faint call, laced with sobs…

Hmmn…

I had the vague impression of a rather healthy if bovine chassis…And it was socially admirable she'd apologized in passing me.

("Oh my God! I remember that day!" Penny, triumphantly. "See, it wasn't me before I…In a wig…OH, Sheldon…" she beamed. "That was you, in the hallway? The weird skinny guy I bumped into?"

"Obviously…If you must narrate in my place…" he frowned.

"No, no…Go on…It's fine, honey." She'd turned to Leonard. "That was Bernice, that slut. Oh, thanks for not signing her up, Sheldon."

"That bad, huh?" Leonard eyed her.

"Terrible. She'd've left acting, married you, and given you five kids by now. She found another guy, some nice environmental law student named Erickson and married him and moved to New York. She teaches kindergarten and helps him run his law firm saving the planet and they have five kids. Thank God you didn't meet up with her. Ready to go after the first nice guy she met…The slut.")

"Excuse me…" I hurried off before the young lady could stop me. Hmmn, I paused and hurried back to her.

"What's your number in case things don't work out with the bovine girl?"

…

Struggling down the stairs after I'd recovered from the brunette girl's punch into my solar plexus I looked round for the other young woman, whom I'd only caught the faintest glimpse of…

("On the one hand, I can understand that just the trace of my bestie's presence in the air would stay indelibly impressed upon your eidetic memory…" Amy noted. "On the other hand…I think may want you to participate in an experiment where we try to delete certain memories from the brain with electroshock…"

Penny, arch look to Leonard…Indelible, that's what I are…Like that song.

Unforgettable, Leonard corrected. "I may help Amy with that experiment.")

"Excuse…Me…" I addressed a cabbie parked by the building, next to two others… "Did a young bovinish blonde woman, crying for whatever bizarre reaction, probably to do with rejection, pass by here just a moment ago?"

("The bovine thing can pass…" Penny noted happily to Leonard. "I'm just so glad he didn't go with Bernice." "Cause we'd never have met?" Leonard, smiling. "Oh, I'd've met you eventually, my gypsy had told me I'd meet the man of my dreams soon. I'd just have had to steal you from her and if you were married by then, that would be a little… But, alls fair in all that war stuff, right?")

"Sure…She was heading for the bus stop…" the cabbie noted. "Big heffer for sure."

("Hey…I may take it back on the bovine thing." Penny noted.)

And there she was, standing by the bus stall, waiting presumably for a bus home.

("Actually I was going shopping. I always went shopping when I got turned down for a part." Penny noted.

"That explains so much regards your finances…" Sheldon noted.

"Hey…"

"Well, honey…" Leonard, sheepishly.)


	4. Chapter 4

Sheldon Swifties LXXII: "The Dark Secret of Sheldon Cooper…"

Summary: Mrs. Dr. Fowler-Cooper forces Sheldon to fess up the truth to Leonard and Penny about his role in their relationship…

Disclaimer: All is Chuck's

Part IV…

"Wait…" Leonard pondered. "So you gave Penny our address at the bus stop and told her the apartment was available and she didn't recognize you later?"

"I never said that…" Sheldon noted. "I followed her to the bus stop and watched from a secure location…Across the street."

"You stalked me?" Penny blinked.

"Not really, I had no idea who you were, just a young woman I wanted to lure to my building."

"It would be stalking? If you'd known who she was? I mean if you had made no contact then…And never mentioned it, until some time in the future?" Amy asked, somewhat pensive.

"No, it was stalking…" Leonard frowned. "Just not so obsessive as personal stalking…"

"Well, surely a person can have fine and rational reasons for following someone about. Say an admiration for their fine mind, physical beauty, and noble character." Amy suggested. "Even if perhaps, say, it goes on for years…Or decades."

"Is this about you and me?" Penny stared. "Or are you talking about you and your sister stalking Sheldon...? Cause while both are creepy, I'll feel much better not to be the object of both Coopers' attentions."

"Fowler- Cooper and Cooper…" Sheldon corrected. "You do mean you and Charlotte, right, sweetness? That was stalking."

"We were just…Fans…Till we both decided you were the only one for us." Amy noted, pleading expression to Sheldon.

"But you told us you and Charlotte decided that at age 11, you followed Sheldon's career for twenty years…And you went to UAustin, and came to Cal Tech hoping to meet him…" Leonard noted. "Raj and Howard were kinda disappointed to find their monster already created…"

Glare…Amy, Penny, Sheldon…

"Sorry…Just a metaphor."

"And that crazy obsession of the Fowler girls nearly got us all killed." Penny noted.

"Makes my little effort seem quite rational, I'd say." Sheldon beamed.

"I couldn't help Charlotte going a little crazy when we announced our engagement and then the wedding…" Amy sighed.

"Not inviting her to the wedding might have made things worse…" Penny noted

"I did…She said she'd see me dead…And Sheldon in her bed first…Then set out to accomplish it. But I think it had to do with her coming off her meds for a bit…Anyway that's another story. Really it just proves Sheldon wasn't really 'stalking' Penny per se."

"Yeah…I suppose that does put Sheldon a little back on the perv scale." Leonard nodded.

"Thank you…" Sheldon, nodding. "Though I suppose Amy's success in bagging me does prove the efficacy of stalking in some cases."

"A very little back on the scale…And no, it doesn't." Penny noted. "Wait? If you were stalking Sheldon all that time…?" stare.

"I had work that day…And a cold." Amy.

"Fine…Ok…So you were spying on me from across the street…?" Penny frowned at Sheldon

"In a not-really-stalking sort of way…" he noted.

"Whatever…There's no way to uncreep this…"

"Well, I saw you reading the bus schedule for the # 3 bus…"

"Sharp eyes…" Penny noted.

"I had my binoculars…"

"Of course…What not-really-stalking stalker wouldn't come equipped?" Penny nodded.

"So I crossed the street…"

"Wait…" Leonard blinked. "You got on a bus to follow Penny to get her to take her apartment for my benefit? You?"

"It was that or invite Wolowitz to escape his mother or somehow persuade Rajesh to give up his quite nice, father-provided apartment and have one of them take your place. Neither course being acceptable. But I had come prepared…"

"Ah! Ah!" Penny beamed, waving arms. "I remember now! You were him! The guy in the back I didn't see but a couple of ladies were saying must be a bubble boy or some kind of freak. And the long-haired weird geeky guy across from me said made him think of some fringe of something…"

"Fringe, Sci-fi show, kinda like CSI with insane mad scientist and shape-shifters." Leonard noted. "We did a marathon last Saturday night."

"You did a marathon, sweetie. I drank three glasses of wine and passed out during the first episode."

"But you did drool on me." He noted fondly.

"Are we saying it was Leonard across from you on that bus?" Amy asked. "Now that would be…Interesting. Leonard? Were you in the habit of dropping Sheldon off then following women on buses?"

"Wha…t?"

"No, not unless he gained a foot in the next coupla days." Penny shook head. "Oh, Jesus…That's right! That was Howard. I think. He was…Ah, ha, ha, hah…Wearing a fro wig."

"I believe he was employing it to encounter urban women, majority black or Hispanic." Sheldon noted. "I don't believe he was engaged in following you."

"Yeah, you're right…He actually told me he remembered seeing a girl like me on the bus one time when he was still trying to hit on me." Penny agreed. "So after I belted him when he put a hand on my arm and told me 'baby ya nothin' to fear while this dude's on your case.' I decided to get off and walk the rest of the way, get some air. After that I really needed it."

"You? Walked?" Leonard eyed her. "And did you ever tell me about meeting Howard first?"

"We didn't introduce ourselves, honey. Yeah. I walked. I get lots of exercise…Especially then when I was…An actress. You've seen me at the gym. And paid my gym membership when I suggested you could workout with me. Though you never really did more that walk around, fall off the treadmill and stair climbers and wait for me at the juice bar."

"I'm just building my stamina…And I never fell off the treadmill, I just had trouble slowing it down. But I have asked you to go walking outdoors, you always turn me down…I've never seen you walk, even to the store around the corner."

"Maybe on the day you got shot down you needed to numb the pain with physical exhaustion." Sheldon noted. "You certainly seemed exhausted and puffing…After two blocks. I was amazed you weren't smoking, given you had seemed relatively healthy."

"Maybe I was just terrified from my encounters with two perverts on the bus." Glare.

"You said you never saw Sheldon." Amy, puzzled. "Was there a third perverted male present? Leonard?" narrow look to Leonard. "Perhaps you?"

"No." he frowned. "After I dropped Sheldon, I went back to my lab to finish writing my report for the FBI on Joyce Kim and swear out a statement that I'd never had any idea she was a spy." Leonard noted.

"The vague presence of Sheldon and a moment with past Howard was enough." Penny frowned. "Ok, so you chased after me…"

"Plodded slowly after you, I did mention you were ready to collapse after two blocks."

"Huffing and puffing, sweetheart." Amy corrected.

"Oh, sorry…And sweating like one of the hogs our neighbor in East Texas kept in their yard." Sheldon nodded.

"I was not sweating…Like a hog." Penny insisted. "It was an athletic sweat, a good sweat." She nodded, high-mindedly.

"You wrang out your blouse on the third block."

"Now honey…Amy and I are just impressed you didn't hail a cab." Leonard noted to her frown.

Damn that eidetic memory of his, Penny thought.

"If I may…Then you stopped at that clothes store…I had lunch across the street. It was good, grilled cheese. Though I didn't like it when a girl sat down and asked if I came there often. But we could go there now, Amy…You could take that seat in case the girl comes back."

"Oh, I will." Amy nodded.

"Not now…" Penny insisted. "I want you to finish."

"Ok…Will Leonard make me some grilled cheese?" Sheldon asked.

"What? What's wrong with my grilled cheese?" Amy asked.

Oh…They eyed each other. "Our first bicker…" Sheldon noted, fondly. "You don't make the cheese melt just the way I like it. I know, Leonard can make me grilled cheese now and you can watch to see how he does it."

"Sheldon…" Leonard sighed.

"I need to learn this skill, Leonard." Amy urged. "And Penny wants to hear the rest of Sheldon's story. I think I can safely say, this is negotiable."

It's just one lousy grilled cheese, honey…Penny eyed him.

"Fine, sure…Come on, Amy. But this is positively the last time, Sheldon." He rose.

"I'm sure my new bride can master this…"Sheldon nodded, confident look to nervous Amy.

"Teach me right the first time, Hofstadter…Or I'll be practicing here every evening as Sheldon only delivers one chapter of this tale per cooking lecture." Amy hissed to Leonard as they went to the kitchenette.

"Can I have one, too?" Penny called.


	5. Chapter 5

Sheldon Swifties LXXII: "The Dark Secret of Sheldon Cooper…"

Summary: Mrs. Dr. Fowler-Cooper forces Sheldon to fess up the truth to Leonard and Penny about his role in their relationship…

Disclaimer: All is Chuck's

Part V…

"Diamond life…Lover boy…

He move in space with minimum waste and maximum joy…"

"Howard…Howard…Howard…"

Wave of hand… "Just a minute, Sheldon…" Howard pressed Sade-singing phone, musical alert ending. "Hey, Howard Wolowitz here…Is this who I think it is, given that area code?" coy tone…

Pause… "Mom? When are you going to remember to take that phone I bought you? What? Mom, I don't have my scooter, I took a bus…Uh, yeah…To that computer class downtown." He gave the ever-shoulder tapping Sheldon a dark look. "Sheldon? On the phone, do you mind?"

"I need you to come with me, Howard." Sheldon insisted.

"Will you please…? Mom, even if I had my scooter it could never carry you…Especially you with me driving. Just let me call you a cab. Yes, I'll say a prayer Mrs. Berkowitz makes it. Sorry you had to be there when she had her fourth heart attack, but she oughta remember she's not eighteen anymore and can't do cartwheels. Yes, even if she was in the Israeli army. Especially in a supermarket parking lot…" pause. "Sheldon?! Will you please stop tapping my shoulder? Around here the babes'll think you're trying to pick me up. What are you doing here, anyway?"

"I'll wait till you get your mother that cab…Then you have to come with me."

"And now they won't just think you're picking me up…" Howard sighed.

"Nice fro, home boy…" passing transvestite… "Oh, sorry. Didn't mean to cut in on your business, bro." to Sheldon.

Hmmn…Sheldon eyed passing man in wig, somewhat suggestive dress, high heels…

"I was wrong, people downtown here are surprisingly polite." He noted to Howard who was engaged in giving instructions to cabbie… "You may have to use a crowbar to get her in and out but…"

"All set, Ma. Cab'll be there in ten minutes. Yes, I'll be out for a couple more hours. Lamb, eh? Maybe an hour and a half? Great… Oh, uh…There's the outside possibility I'll be bringing a guest…"

"I don't like lamb." Sheldon pronounced. "Could she make spaghetti with hot dogs cut up in it?"

"Not you, Sheldon….Yeah, a lady friend from my 'class'." Howard told the phone. "Oh, sure, a very nice girl."

"I don't think that was a girl, Howard." Sheldon noted. Quiet! Howard waved him off.

"Ok, Ma…Call me if the cab doesn't show in…Seven minutes. Because I'll need to call again, Ma. Yes, I'm sure he is a man of his word, Ma, I just wanna be sure he doesn't find the address too heavy…Uh, hard. Just wait for the cab and call me when you're on your way. Be nice if you could pick up some flowers, too. And maybe some wine…Only red with lamb, Ma. G'bye."

"You're very confident you'll have a date to bring home." Sheldon eyed him.

"Nah, but it's always nice to have flowers and wine with dinner." Howard noted.

"Well, before you go to your computer class and try to lure your friend to come home…" Sheldon began.

"Sheldon? Look around here. There is no 'computer class'. I'm here to pick up a girl, preferably poor or lower income and willing to chance that she's hit on a rich Jewish boy. And willing to take a crash course in how to behave with a potential Jewish mother-in-law."

Sheldon stared. "You'd bring a girl you just met on the street home to meet your mother?"

"It's worked as a pick-up line four out of ten times." Howard beamed. "Of course twice Mom was visiting one of my aunts and one time I had to call a cop…Fortunately she tried to rob me before we rang the doorbell. But Agnes was a very nice girl. If she ever gets clean again, she's going to call me…Or maybe it was if she ever goes back on crack, I can't remember?" sigh at Sheldon's narrow look.

"So what do you want, again? And what the hell are you doing downtown?…The non-comic book, non-quaint, no little old ladies from Pasadena unless they're pushing drugs or of remarkable stamina, half?" He eyed Sheldon.

"I'm following a young woman." Sheldon explained.

"Say what?" Howard blinked. "After that cop passes…Please…" Sheldon, puzzled look as patrolman passed.

"All right, then." Shrug. "I saw you on the bus but I couldn't risk letting her see me. It's fortunate your pathetic attempts to seduce desperate young women led you this way but given that across the street is the largest ladies' clothing store in the immediate area I thought you might be directing your footsteps here. I need you to come with me when she comes out."

"When this young woman you're stalking…Presumably for a fresh heart for your monster?...Comes out?"

"Don't be ridiculous…I would never consider experimental biology as a field, even for a hobby. A test download for my future android receptacle, perhaps."

"Either way, friend…I don't want to be a party to this. Even if it does mean I win my bet with Raj about you." Howard frowned. "Now if you'll excuse me, there are young women in need awaiting me."

"Most of them who would consider you at all have children you know." Sheldon noted.

Nod. "Yeah, a risk but hey, so is unprotected sex…"

"I could help you to work out a screening protocol. To eliminate the ones with children." Shrewd look.

Howard eyeing his close friend Leonard's weird roommate…

Amazing how this guy keeps finding new depths of weird…Oh, the other hand…

Hmmn… "Ok, got my attention. And my shocked surprise that you think about such things…"

"What things? It's simple applied statistics…"

"Uh…Yeah, sure…So…Why are you following this young woman? And more important, come to think of it, what does she look like?"

(Howard…I knew somehow Howard would be involved, Penny thought grimly. Well, old Howard.

Oh, God…

"Are you saying Howard knew about this?" Leonard asked. Nhhht…Sheldon raised hand. "The art of good storytelling is to let the tale unfold…"

"Tell me you and Howard didn't…Do anything…To me?" Penny begged. "I mean, Howard? Old Howard, that is. Amy?"

"Howard old or new, didn't, I swear, bestie." Amy, hastily, to frown by Sheldon.

"Sorry, husband, there are some times when bestiedom must take precedence." Shrewdly innocent look… "Given this may be a breach of the marital agreement, I suppose this bad girl will need a severe spanking later?"

Stalking, the Sheldonish side of her, that obsession with me, this bit of…Can I pick em 'as besties or what? Penny thought, nervously.)

"Ok…" Howard scanned the clothing store windows and door… "I see three blondes, are any of them this girl?"

"It was the one you spoke to on the bus."

"Really? She was pretty, wasn't she?"

"I suppose she met the basic requirements for attraction…" Sheldon shrugged. "You're more familiar with that sort of thing…"

"No, I really mean, was she pretty? I don't really remember given how fast she hit me and fled the bus."

(Met the…Basic requirements…? Amy glared at Penny who gave slight awkward glance. Now, bestie.

All my years of scoping Penny out, trying to get close to her to confirm she had no attraction for my Moonpie, and now this? Basic requirements for attraction?! Why not just say I wanna hump that slut, right here, right now?!

"Sheldon? Just by any crazy chance…" Leonard began, cautiously.

"Your next 'Soft Kitty' to my husband is your last!" Amy suddenlyh cried. "And if you think my sister was crazy…!"

"Amy…?" Penny gulped.

"Hmmn…" Sheldon beamed. "You're right, Leonard…Marriage is wonderful.")

"But you won't tell me why you are following this girl?" Howard addressed a Sheldon scanning the clothes store with binoculars.

(Ohhhh…Penny and Amy still cooing over Sheldon's last. "Leonard said it first, you know." Penny noted, proudly. "Whatever. You're on probation pending the end of this story, bestie." Amy frowned.

"Didn't Sheldon already tell it to you?" Leonard, puzzled.

"That was the baseline, we'll see if there are any variants. What kind of experimental scientist are you, Hofstadter?" she glared.

"Hey! A damned rootin', tootin' good one. Who thinks marriage is wonderful." Penny beamed.

"So does this mean we can compare Amy's angry, possessive coitus to Penny's pleased, rewarding version tomorrow?" Sheldon, aside to Leonard.

"If we can slip off somewhere, sure…" Leonard noted, aside.)

"Uh…Just doing some surveying, ma'am." Howard tried, to a frowning middle-aged woman passing them. "You're right, there's no good way to explain this…" sigh… "Have a great evening." He smiled.

"No. My experience since Leonard first introduced you and Rajesh to me is that you tell Raj everything. I don't want Leonard to know what I'm doing, ergo…" wave of hand.

"But you want me to help?"

"No, certainly not. I want you to protect me from any one dangerous here."

"Really? I'm your bodyguard?"

"Of course not…You're the softer target they'll seize on while I run away."

"Thanks…" glare. "If I didn't vaguely remember that girl as being kinda hot…"

(Well…Penny beamed slightly. I mean, considering he's improved so much…I can let that pass, she noted regally to Leonard.

Leonard, narrow look. First, Sheldon, now…? Just exactly what have I been running here the last nine years, a ladies' harem?

Well, ok…He eyed Penny's slight nervous glance at him.

…So long as the lady sultan chose me in the end.)


	6. Chapter 6

Sheldon Swifties LXXII: "The Dark Secret of Sheldon Cooper…"

Summary: Mrs. Dr. Fowler-Cooper forces Sheldon to fess up the truth to Leonard and Penny about his role in their relationship…

Disclaimer: All is Chuck's

Part VI…

"Sheldon…"

"Just a moment, I'm concerned about that young black woman about to buy that utterly incorrectly colored blouse." Sheldon, shrugging as he concentrated on the woman in question via binocular view into the clothes store across the street from where they had been standing in a doorway for more than fifteen minutes.

Howard, blinking…

Sheldon Cooper, fashionista?

"That color combination upsets my tummy. I should speak to her."

"Not a good idea, Sheldon…Telling a strange woman a stranger man, namely you, has been peeping at her from a distance, especially via binoculars. Believe me, I've tried it as a pickup line and it fails ten out of ten times." Howard sighed. "Anyway, I need to leave soon."

"I thought you told your mother you'd be out for at least an hour-and-a-half. I need you, Howard."

"That's lovely, boys. Stonewall forever." An elderly lady, passing, noted.

"Thanks…" Howard beamed. "Sheldon! Stop with the need and with the binoculars, we're gonna get pickuped in another minute either by that transvestite and his/her friends or a cop." He eyed Sheldon who was now refocusing on the store's doorway, abandoning his surveillance of the other woman.

"So she dumped the blouse, right? Thank God, it was hideous on her. Have you spied that girl yet?"

"No, she must be deep in the bowels of that beast which is retail clothing…" Sigh. "I know it well from all those trips with my mother and Missy when I was young. Hideous places…"

"Clothes stores can be dull for a guy, hanging round. Yep, just hanging round, eyeing…Touching…Feeling…Sometimes, occasionally under safe conditions, wearing the lingerie…" Howard reminisced fondly, stroking his chest while clutching imaginary lingerie. Uh…He eyed Sheldon's look, sheepishly.

"And the women…" Sheldon sighed.

"Yeah, those bitches be crazy when there's a sale…"

"All over me…"

"Say what?" Howard stared.

"'Oooh isn't he cute?' 'What's your sweet name, lambkins?', 'Give me a kiss, you cutie'….And Missy always making it worse by introducing them to me…Heck, she went after them in the crowds and dragged them to embarrass me."

"Ah, right…The old ladies' brigade." Howard nodded.

"Oh, no…These were mostly young women about twenty. The older ladies weren't so bad, they gave me cookies and only kissed me once. I remember the last time I was home for a visit, two years ago…"

"Right…Just two years ago…" sigh.

"Worst of all, Missy gives them my phone number here in Pasadena…I've had to change it four times."

"Yeah…Great…" Wait…

"Uh, if you ever want to deflect these troublesome young Texan females to another target, I'm here to take the bullet for you, buddy." Howard, beaming. "Say, what's your sister like?"

"Annoying…And rather a bully."

"Ah…Sorta you with hulk and muscles?" nod. Picturing hulking, plain behemoth…No doubt bearing Bible.

"Of course not…" frown. "No one else in my family is a genius."

"Right…Well, this has been fun, Sheldon. But I've got just about an hour to see if I can score a downtown girl to enter my Jewish pretty, if middle-middle class only, world. And a lamb dinner to get to."

"I thought you wanted my screening algorithm…"

"Given the limited time, Sheldon…I'll take the risk of hot mama being a mama…Besides, I actually like kids."

"Oh, then you'll love that girl passing…" Sheldon indicated a young thirties-ish Hispanic woman in reasonably nice clothes on the other side of the street.

"She is nice…" Howard stared.

"Three kids at least, one an infant, one teen, a behavior problem with a juvenile criminal record, two preteens, at least one already in trouble with the law …But she's all yours…Divorced. And she lives nearby. Oh, and she's only about two years older than you, allowing for stress in her life."

Howard blinked… "You actually claim you can tell all that? Just by looking at her?"

"Note the weary trudge, despite her efforts to pick up her feet…She has to try to keep up her spirits for work, probably as a waitress but she's exhausted even on her way to work, where she's going now, note the plastic bag for her uniform. Her clothes are well-laundered, but pressed quickly…She had to do them with the pre and teen's."

"Ok…But…"

"Her purse bag is too big, she carries the baby's bottle in it frequently, note the fact that it's slightly torn at one edge from the bottle sticking out…She recognized the patrolman over there who spoke to her but she wasn't nervous. He's arrested her kids and tried to be nice about it. This is her neighborhood, in addition to the officer, she smiled at the woman coming out of that bakery. No wedding ring but I noticed the ring mark on her finger when she passed us. But given it's not faded, it would be too soon for her to be out of mourning if a widow."

"And the kids' records…Even if I allow for the officer…How could you…?"

"She came down from the juvenile court office just back up that street." Sheldon indicated the sidestreet.

"She showed no hostility to the officer, so it's more than one child who's been in trouble with the law. And she's carrying a bag from 'Jordy's' the store we passed earlier which caters to preteens. When she dropped it for a moment I spied a bit of fringed blouse sticking out, meaning a girl and a boy's t-shirt fell out. The girl could be a tomboy or lesbian of course but the size is different for each item. The juvenile court I mentioned before deals solely with teen boys. She hasn't got the boy with her, so it was a juvenile sentence and she was either visiting him or dealing with his paperwork. It's true I'm guessing about the other boy or girl's brush with the law but she's far too friendly with the officer for her not to have had him involved with her family several times and not about herself, and there are no signs of a romantic relationship, merely friendship. Plus she seems very responsible, despite her hard life, not likely to have been in legal trouble herself recently."

"Wow."

"Just observation and basic statistics. I calculate my chances of being absolutely correct about her are eighty-seven point two percent, allowing for confounding factors. Well, are you going to go get her? Better hurry, she's already within three blocks of her place of employment judging by the increase of stress on her face and the effort to put some spring into her step."

"Uh…I think not. She did seem very nice. But three kids, a bit much. And it sounds like she's got troubles enough right now."

"Good choice. The odds were fifty-fifty she'd scream for the police or you'd find yourself married in a month."

Hmmn. She really was rather…Howard craned to look down the street.

"And she's quite religious by the crucifix round her neck. Unless she's warding off vampires. Allowing for her ethnic background and its devout Catholicism, and her strong personal faith which probably sustains her in said hard life, I'd guess she'd want you to convert."

Hmmn…Well, lets hold on becoming a good Catholic just yet.

Still, she must come this way most nights…

"Not bad…" he nodded. "Though I'd want to see your figures."

"I'd suspect they'd be beyond your comprehension, you being an engineer."

"With a degree from MIT?" annoyed frown.

"They hand those diplomas out like chicklets, don't they? Still, if you ever earn a doctorate at MIT, we'll talk."

Sigh…"Ok, I gotta go. There's plenty of people out here, you're fairly safe. Hmmn…?" Howard eyed Sheldon.

"What?" Sheldon had resumed viewing the store via binoculars.

"You don't want Leonard to know you're doing this? You don't want a girl yourself…And don't need her heart or other organs for your hobby project. You're trying to get a girl for Leonard, aren't you?" shrewd look.

Two can play at this sort of thing, Holmes…

"I might be…I might be just trying to compile data for a social study on young women as a fun activity he and I can share in."

"You're trying to get Leonard a girl." Howard grinned. "That's nice of you, weird little buddy. He has been a little down. But be careful here, this sort of thing usually has serious consequences. You might be better off just letting him do the hunting." Sigh, shrug. "Of course, with Leonard, it's more of a leisurely stroll with binoculars, rather like this. Look, if you want to get Leonard hooked up, lets take him out and get him hooked up. Tomorrow night, ok? We hit the clubs and bars and we don't come back till Hofstadter is the new Barney Stinson."

"Who? And certainly not…"

"My personal hero, star of a TV hero about his exploits and some Leonard-like guy's whining. Now, I really gotta go…I think that store has a bathroom. Fine, then…We'll go without you. Anyway, look, you can come in with me and nest inside till your quarry flushes… For whatever strange reason, Leonard would be upset if I left you out here and you got broken."

"That might be acceptable, it's a bit chilly out here and still a bit dangerous."

"How did you survive in your home town? Is it Stepford, TX with no crime thanks to religious zombies in suits and dresses everywhere?"

"It's fairly safe violencewise and I avoided going out generally. There were dogs, after all. And some religious zombies. Oh, she's on the ground floor…" Sheldon scanned the store's ground floor intently.

"Oh, really…Might I have a look at the fair quarry?"

"She's moving to the back. I think there may be another exit. I'll have to go in with you, come on!" Sheldon hurried to the edge of the street, Howard reluctantly but amusedly following.

"Light!" Sheldon noted.

"Sheldon, there are no cars…You want to catch this girl, right?"

("Catch?" Penny gulped. "Leonard if he did brain surgery on me, I'd remember something, right?"

"What did I say about biology, earlier? Are you paying attention, Mrs. Hofstadter? You know as Leonard's wife you'll have some minimal social duties at Cal Tech that will require minimal attentiveness. Leonard, I apologize if I made a mistake in my choice…" Sheldon sighed.

"It's ok…The 'Mrs. Hofstadter' saved him, for now." Penny noted to an anxious Leonard.)


	7. Chapter 7

Sheldon Swifties LXXII: "The Dark Secret of Sheldon Cooper…"

Summary: Mrs. Dr. Fowler-Cooper forces Sheldon to fess up the truth to Leonard and Penny about his role in their relationship…

Disclaimer: All is Chuck's

[To get up to speed on my version of Amy's beautiful, tragic, and utterly psycho sister, Charlotte Magdalena, read my "Gran Mag" tale, or my Sheldon Swifty, "Charlotte Magdalena"]

Part VII…

"Quite the mob a fifty percent off sale at a discount clothes warehouse generates here in little ole downtown Pasadena…" Howard noted as he, Sheldon cautiously followed behind him, entered the clothing store. "Ok, there's the men room. Sheldon? You ok? The woman sure to soon be filing a lawsuit against you still in your sights?"

"I don't…Yes, I can just make out her ridiculously tight ("I was competing against a tough crowd. And it wasn't that tight…" Penny sighed. "Your bosom was bustin' out all over, my mother would say…" Sheldon noted.) blouse's sleeve, yes, it's her." Sheldon nodded, peering through binoculars. "Poor girl, she's caught up in a mob. I think they may tear her to…No, she's safe…She just knocked an older woman out of her way…"

(Uh…Penny blinked. "I'm sure it was an accident…" she noted to Leonard. "There was no way I was gonna lose that pair of slacks, they were a bargain…" to Amy. "I remember she wasn't that old, early sixties, tops.")

"Great." Howard nodded. "I'll check in before I head home…In about thirty, if you haven't been arrested, chased after her, or been decked by her. Good luck, buddy." Patting.

"It's takes you thirty minutes to use the bathroom?"

"Sometimes, when the hunt fails me…Or Ma's meatloaf is especially dry. But no, I will be on the prowl in this collection of anxious cuties seeking a strong man's protection from the hordes." Howard made thumbs up.

"I don't think you'll find any strong men in here besides that rather frightened-looking guard to direct any women to, Howard." Sheldon noted.

"Yeah…Look, just look for me in the stream here if you need me. But I will be leaving in thirty if you want company going home." He headed off.

Yeah…Nothing like having a creepier if taller pervert wandering through the crowd, eh Wolowitz? Howard beamed to himself as he made for the men's room. "Did you notice that strange geeky fellow with the binoculars, Miss? I think he was stalking you…You wait here and after I give the lad a good talking-to, Howard Wolowitz, engineer and reclusive multimillionaire who, like Bill Gates, never passes on a bargain, will escort you to safety." He rehearsed. "By the way, do you like lamb…?" he entered the bathroom.

Heck, if this works, Cooper may have a whole new career as my creepy wingman…As we nobly seek a lady for our dear friend all through Pasadena's social scene, night after night. I mean, given Leonard, and after introing Sheldon as his roommate and friend, it would take quite a while…A miracle, really.

("I only assume that's what Howard was thinking, of course, but I'd say based on what he'd actually said and what I knew and know of him then…" Sheldon noted. "Yeah…That's Howard." Leonard, nodding.

So…I was a miracle? Penny beamed.)

Deeper into the belly of the beast wandered the intrepid Cooper in search of his quarry…The mobs of desperate bargain seekers swirling about him. The woman subject of his pursuit pausing momentarily at a distance…Oh, Lord, not those shorts, woman.

("He was so right…" Penny sighed. "I really should have bought the pink ones.")

Moments passing…Rather becoming an eternity…Is she going to stand by that table all night, picking through everything…?

Howard passing at a distance, quick nod…Crazy wingman.

"You shopping for your girlfriend?" a voice beside Sheldon, a bit harsh, even a little anxious, but definitely a young female…Cooper turning…

("You met a girl in there?" Penny blinked. Eyeing Amy who indeed seemed a little tense.

"It's unnerving to relive the anxiety of this scene…But nothing serious." Amy whispered. "Though I'm reviewing for any clues as to her possible abode and other details.")

To find a tall, slender brunette in casual, though rather elegant for such a store and neighborhood suit and slacks, dark sunglasses, slightly large nose in lovely face, by his side…

("That's a new detail…Elegant for the neighborhood…" Amy noted to Penny. "See, it's always useful to hear a tale retold. You miss details when your heart is pounding and you're trying to keep calm.")

"Ah, no…Just waiting for someone…"

"Oh…Your mother, perhaps?"

"No, a near acquaintance…She's just back there." He pointed.

"Oh…" frown… "Girlfriend, as I said."

"No, I don't know her at all…"

"Good…I mean, oh…"

"Hmmn…? Why, good?" he looked at her.

("Amy? Were you over that cold?" Penny eyed her.

"No, it wasn't Amy." Sheldon noted. "Too tall and too much fashion sense."

"Oh my God!" Amy cried. "I knew it! Sheldon?! Did you know all this time it was Charlotte?!"

"Was it?" he blinked. "You know, come to mention it…But she only had a weak French accent.")

"Well, because it means you can speak to me and not worry about angering your near acquaintance…" smile.

("So…Wait…Amy you think Charlotte flew in from Paris way back then to stalk Sheldon?" Leonard stared.

"Leonard. I went to UAustin, took a position at Cal Tech, and moved to Pasadena to stalk Sheldon way back then." Amy noted. "And Charlotte probably had a pediatric neurosurgery in LA that weekend. You know she's always been good at time management as well as men. God, how could I not have guessed it was Charlotte before?!"

"But…Even if it was her…Nothing happened, right?" Penny, trying to sooth. "Right, Sheldon?"

Right? She gave him grim stare.

"Oh, nothing…She just asked me who I was, what my interest in Penny was, and when I explained about Leonard, she offered her assistance in following my near acquaintance."

"It seemed innocent the first telling…" Amy, darkly. "Sheldon? That really was all, including her asking you to carry her bags to her taxi?"

And into her bedroom if we know Charlotte Fowler…Penny hissed to Leonard.

Wait a mo…

"She knew you were going after me for Leonard?" Penny stared. "Sheldon?!"

"Just a minute…First, my wife…Yes, that was all. She helped me follow Penny out of the store after Penny finally stopped examining every scrap of clothing on the table, and then when Howard came up to us on the sidewalk on the back side of the store…And asked if she liked magic…")

"Yes, very much…Can you make yourself vanish?" the woman told a chagrined Howard.

"We'd best be after the lady, Dr. Cooper." She noted, indicating Penny heading away from them up the sidewalk. "I'd guess she's making for the bus stop at the corner given she used the bus before."

"Probably…Wait. How did you know that? I don't remember telling you that she was on the bus before?"

"I believe I saw her departing the bus…Vite, vite, Sheldon." She hurried up the street.

"Who is that? And how did you manage it?" Howard asked a somewhat puzzled Cooper.

Lady seems very nice to take such an interest, but…

"Just a lady who came up to me in the store and said she'd like to know me better."

("Charlotte's classic opening line…" Amy fumed. "How could I have missed that the first hearing?! Not to mention her slip on the French…"

"She won't be back?" Leonard asked, nervously. "Your nuclear Grandma really did get her to back off, right?"

"She'll be neutralized while Gran is alive. And back on her anxiety meds, which may help." Amy noted, nodding.)

"And you're standing here…With all these bags? Did you go shopping in there? While that fine filly is running after another? Come on, Sheldon…" Howard urged.

"You think she might be another possibility for Leonard? She did seem attractive and she did shoot you down, both points in her favor." Sheldon nodded, hurrying along with Howard. "Oh, and these are her bags, she asked me to carry them in the store like a Texas gentleman."

"You told her you were from Texas, eh?" Howard smiled as they walked on, hurrying.

"No, and I was wondering about that. But is it really appropriate to compare women to horses? My mom always said…"

("Hold it right there…" Penny, grimly. "…'Another possibility for Leonard?'…Sheldon? Did you set Charlotte after Leonard?"

"Well, I may have described Leonard to her. She did seem interested that he was my roommate and asked about him. I didn't know then I was being stalked by two sisters, one a psychopathic sexual predator."

Which one would that be? Penny thought, a bit nervously glancing at Amy.

Do not say "Really?"…Leonard thought. Your married life and your physical life depend on it.

Good thing I never told Penny I kept trying to sell Charley on Leonard…Amy thought. But only when it seemed hopeless for them and a neat solution to our rivalry…Plus it was before I was absobloomingtootly sure the blonde vixen across the hall wasn't into my future husband.)

"Say, didn't you have to head home for dinner?"" Sheldon eyed Howard who was making rather remarkable speed in pursuit of the brunette just ahead, now turning to wave them on.

"To help out an old friend helping another older friend…?" Howard waved a hand. "I can always take a taxi. Lets be after our fair damsals. Say, did you get a name?"

"I told you I only saw her from a distance…"

"Sheldon…Do I look like a guy who would horne in on a girl we've been stalking for a friend?" Howard frowned.

Sheldon eyeing Howard in his "fro" wig, dark glasses, what passed for his concept of coolly urban clothes including vintage bell-bottoms and scarf…Though the universal standard dicky remaining.

"I don't think I can answer that question not having stalked a girl for a friend unless you count helping the NSA run the surveillance on Joyce Kim that revealed her as a spy…Oh." Pause. "Not supposed to mention that, especially before her secret trial."

Howard, blinking. "Yeah…Well, anyway? The other lady, the brunette? In all your chatting, you did do the polite thing and get her name?"

"Is that the social convention with strange women one meets?"

"When one has a horny friend desperate to get lucky, yes." Nod.


	8. Chapter 8

Sheldon Swifties LXXII: "The Dark Secret of Sheldon Cooper…"

Summary: Mrs. Dr. Fowler-Cooper forces Sheldon to fess up the truth to Leonard and Penny about his role in their relationship…

Disclaimer: All is Chuck's

Part VIII…

"Takin' It to the Street..." was playing on a passer-by's large radio/CD player as Sheldon and Howard hurried after the mysterious brunette now in pursuit of Cooper's quarry, the young woman, presumably an "actress"…

("Sheldon…I can hear those quotes." Penny, grimly.)

…Naturally by her presence at a leading Pasadena casting agency earlier…

("Better. Wish they'd been 'leading'." Penny frowned. "Of course then I might not have won my little homunuclear of a guy." Smile to Leonard. "It's homunculus." He corrected. "Take the Oscar and go home, babe." She frowned.)

"Why is this girl so interested in helping you find this other girl?" Howard pondered to Sheldon as they moved along the sidewalk, carefully dodging darker corners and the occasional panhandler.

"Technically I already found the young woman, Howard. And one might ask why you are so interested in helping me, if anyone couldn't see you're interested solely in meeting that woman…Or if anyone cared."

"Charming as always, Cooper." Howard noted. "Believe me, if I wasn't, you'd be out here alone. As you will be in ten minutes if we don't catch one of these babes."

"She's stopped ahead, my young woman I mean." Sheldon peered up the steet. "That must be her bus stop."

"As has my own little filly. A French filly, by that trace of accent…" Howard beamed.

"It does seem a bit odd she wanted to help me with the other woman. And she seemed rather well dressed for a discount clothing warehouse."

"Eh, the elite shop cheap…It's how old money stays old money." Howard shrugged. "But maybe she's a needy psycho with a penchant for geeky yet oddly arrogant young physicists."

"I do seem to attract that sort…" Sheldon nodded.

("Wolowitz hit that nail on its head for once." Leonard grinned. "And that, future Cooper kids…Is how 'Dad' met Aunt Charlotte before she had to be locked away."

Yeah, I'll testify at that hearing, with all due ulterior motive, Penny thought.

"What about these other 'psychos', Sheldon?" Amy, insistently. "I know about Ramona and Dr. Plimpton… Lets have the full list.")

"Ok…The ladies are in striking range. By my calculations your girl's bus isn't due for at least fifteen minutes, even thirty if she's taking the 110. So, what's your campaign plan, Cooper?" Howard, standing by Sheldon near a building front, both observing the two young women about a block ahead.

"My protocol calls for continued observation…I need to find out where she currently lives, her name, whether she has a steady boyfriend…"

"Ah, yes…The Stalker's Manual…" Howard nodded. "Just tell me it doesn't include good places to dump her body…"

"Howard?" Sheldon, shocked.

"Sorry, buddy…But I don't know you that well and by any measure this is pretty creepy even if your motives may be sorta pure."

"Well, I have no intention of dumping her body anywhere…How could I even transport it? I just want to acquire necessary information to be sure she'll do for my roommate."

"She's pretty and she's breathing…That'll work. Still, I suppose knowing if she's in the market for a new place…." Howard paused.

"Oh, she is…She was reading all the apartments for rent flyers enroute to her first bus from the agency…And she'd grabbed a couple of flyers from the agency's reception table on her way out. Probably losing whatever it was that she lost only encouraged her searching which is excellent for Leonard's chances. I should note that…A failed actress is far more desirable for my needs…I mean in case subject one doesn't work out."

("I hadn't 'failed' then. It was one lousy casting call…I wasn't perky enough." Penny frowned.

"Yeah, yeah…Enough with the mourning of your failed career, bestie. We need to figure out what my sister was up to here." Amy glared, waving hands. "Why would she want to help Sheldon acquire you for Leonard?"

"Sounds like she was just trying to meet up with Sheldon…" Leonard suggested.

What? He shrugged at Penny's look. "I like mysteries."

"No, that's not it…She could've pretended to love trains and met him at a train store convention she set up and paid for."

"Oh, my…" Sheldon blinked. "So that was Charlotte as well? That did seem an unusually poorly attended train conference."

"Dammit, husband…We go over the full list of psychos you've hooked up with, tonight!" Amy fumed.

Still…Strike two, Charley…Hah! You couldn't even land him with trains, she beamed.

Not that I haven't always loved you, in spite of yourself, my poor sis.

But…Hah!)

"Sheldon, we can't just stand here…Why don't you put the binoculars away, please…And we go over and talk to them?" Howard urged. "You creep out the blonde and I, the fair brunette."

"Didn't she ask you to vanish…?" Sheldon noted.

"A bit of jousting before we get down to the real battle…" Howard beamed. "The dance, Cooper…It's all part of the dance…"

"I can't make physical contact with my subject. It would violate my protocol and I calculate intimidate her to a 97% probability she'd break her lease at our place on seeing me there."

"I'd've said 99% on just meeting you there the first time." Howard smiled. "Ok, then…I'm running out of pre-dinner time so I'll go over and talk to them." He put up hand at Sheldon's stare. "No, I won't poach on Leonard's preserve…Yet. I'll just see what I can ferret out as to data you can use, ok?"

Well…Sheldon considered.

"I suppose. But don't tell her your name or anything that might compromise my protocol."

"Sure, pal. Don't worry, when it comes to concealing personal info to avoid lawsuits or restraining orders and to be able to return to a club or restaurant, I'm your man." Nod. "In fact I do believe it's time to shed my cool and hip urban persona and resume my everyday Bruce Waynean but even cooler daily self." He removed the fro wig and his "urban hip" suit jacket to reveal a sweatered Howard. "What? Mom thought I'd be cold out here tonight. Don't worry, I'll keep the shades, the ladies will only know me as a man of mystery. Unless I get lucky with the fair brunette in which case keep your calendar open a month from now as you'll be a groomsman. My friend…I venture forth. But I shall return."

Sheldon looking at bag Wolowitz had just handed him with wig and jacket. "This isn't made from human hair, is it?"

("Oh, right…That guy. Howard. I shoulda known." Penny shook head. "But I met with a lotta creeps then and he was wearing dark glasses."

"Hmmn…You think if Howard breaks up with Bernadette or she dies, he and Charlotte…?" Amy asked.

"What? Wolowitz is a much better man now and I care about Charley, I want her to meet a nice guy. You know she always kind of liked Howard, sensing a kinship in her somewhat kinky way. And we can all concede she loves kids."

Uh…Penny blinked.

"Amy. I really wouldn't pursue this line, especially with Bernadette around." Leonard noted. "Charlotte may be a wealthy psycho with henchthugs who can seduce men with a flash of her eyes but Bernadette knows germ warfare."

"Come on, Leonard…She just jokes about that." Penny chuckled.

"She once told me she's never worried about Amy, or you, with Howard…But if she ever had cause, it wouldn't be pretty." Leonard sighed.

"Really?" Penny. "You're saying Bernadette would've infected me if I'd ever tried…"

"She wouldn't kill you…You'd end up three feet tall and clucking like a chicken. Kinda like the chicken woman at the end of "Freaks", that old horror film we watched last Halloween." Leonard noted.

"Oh, yes that one. No…" Sheldon nodded. "You wouldn't've enjoyed being the chicken woman.")


	9. Chapter 9

Sheldon Swifties LXXII: "The Dark Secret of Sheldon Cooper…"

Summary: Mrs. Dr. Fowler-Cooper forces Sheldon to fess up the truth to Leonard and Penny about his role in their relationship…

Disclaimer: All is Chuck's

Part IX…

"So, hello…" friendly smile.

"You should have kept the wig." Curt reply.

"Ah…Well…We meet again. And you recognized me right off. Fate clearly has us intertwined, fair lady…Of France, if I get your lovely…"

"Merde…Piss off." The brunette in sunglasses by bus stop at street corner across from where Sheldon was trying to remain concealed in the gathering dark and slight rain… (Leonard rolling eyes at Penny…Sheldon in the dark? With rain? Outside? That must've been a sight to see…) …eyed Howard, now minus wig and "urban" style, coldly. "Or must I leave you paralyzed and without bladder control?"

"Madam." He gave slight bow. "Forgive my inability to resist a gamble worthy of any humiliation…This unworthy shall not trouble you again."

She frowned as he turned and moved off. She scanning hastily across the street…In Sheldon's direction, despite his being hidden by the dark shadows of the unlit building he'd kept close to but, rather fearful now of said dark shadows was trying to cautiously make for the nearest building with some streetlights or lights on inside and an awning or other rain protection.

("Ok, that's nice Sheldon, you staying out in the dark and rain to help Leonard…Earns you some 'Penny won't kill you' points." Penny noted.

Amy eyeing Sheldon…Slight roll of eyes at his smug look…

Fine, it was right to note that it was dark and rainy.)

"Monsieur, pardonnez-moi." The woman called to Howard, moving after him so quickly and deftly she was almost upon him when he paused and turned, startled…

This is new…They spit in my face then chase me down to apologize?

But, given her description of my fate maybe she just wants to test out a new taser?

Oh, well…Sometimes one must risking being a fool for love and losing bladder control in public…All part of the dance…

"I was being rude. Forgive me." Faint smile. "I'm not used to American men's boldness."

Really? What part of France…?

"You're friends with that fellow seeking his lady love?" she asked, lightly. "The one who seems very nervous in the dark over there, right now." She pointed.

"Oh, he's just doing it for a friend…"

"Yes, so he mentioned…" wide smile now. "I was just teasing. You're trying to help him…?"

"And myself, obviously…" Howard, smiling widely.

"Indeed…" she grinned. "Well, I thought he was sweet to do so, so I'm helping him too. Tell me, you know his friend, a good man?" cocked head.

("Why was she asking…?" Penny frowned. Quick eyeing of Leonard... Who flinched slightly.

"I know she made a pass at you when she visited officially, to deflect from her moves on Sheldon…" narrow stare. "Was there anything…Else…? While she was here to 'congratulate' Sheldon and Amy? Anything you didn't bother to mention?"

"What? No…" he tried. Facing her utterly focused, intense stare…

Oh, to look into that face is Death…Amy hissed to Sheldon.

Hmmn…He glanced briefly, at an angle to avoid the full intensity…

Almost the look Amy had in the midst of our asymmetry calculations…

Can it be that Leonard really is Penny's life project? That, regards him, her mind…Almost…Functions on a scientific level?

Or at least that of a predatory jungle cat seeking her mate?

My goodness, I chose well…Mental pat, Cooper.

"Well, she did ask me…" Leonard began, wilting slightly.

"Yeah...?" Penny, hard glare.

"About how we got together…"

"Yeah…?" grim tone.

"She seemed interested, and very sincere. You know Amy says she's very good at that."

"Ye…ah?"

"And she said she wished she could meet a nice guy like me, that's all…Until she sang to/tried to seduce me at the piano bar that other night, right in front of you, I swear." He finished, hastily.

"Plausible…" Amy noted.

"Don't help him." Penny frowned.)

"Leonard? Oh, yeah. Very good…Just a bit on the insecure side and just experienced a very bad break up. Sheldon's his roommate and so is concerned for him." Howard nodded.

"Very sweet indeed...And such pure motives…"

"Well…We try. I'm…Wolowitz, Howard Wolowitz. Engineer of both the human heart and several NASA projects soon to be on a newscast near you."

"Charmed, to some extent. And your friend is Sheldon Cooper, the famed physicist…" she noted.

"Yeah, that's him. But enough of him…I'd like to…"

"Yes, I'm sure you would…" she agreed. "Perhaps later we can discuss that…For now, shouldn't we assist Sheldon in his noble quest? The young lady may leave on a bus at any moment."

"Sure…But…"

"It's very impressive that two such fine friends of a good man should work together to secure his happiness…" gently winsome smile, brushing back of hair.

("How could Wolowitz not known it was Charlotte?!" Amy fumed. "He should have told me the moment I introduced her to him! He must be up to something with her, it's the only explanation! I should have known she'd find our weakest link!"

"That would be Raj…" Leonard shook head. "C'mon you know, Bernadette would have been on anything like that in a second…" Penny giving Amy a nod…

You know she would be…

"True enough…" Amy sighed, calming. "I was being ungrateful there. Howard warned me Charlotte was up to no good, after all. And he probably never got a good look at her that night."

"Which is surprising, given your sister's penchant for putting men on her chain for later use…" Sheldon noted. "She must've feared he'd expose her to us if she went any further with him."

"Or I'd see him with her and know she was lurking…On her free time, from France…"

"Wait…" Leonard blinked. "You were following us even then, before you used Howard's and Raj's dating profile to hook up with Sheldon?"

Ummn…Amy looked away. "I just needed to know what was going on with Sheldon…And his new friends. You might have all been trying to get him to trust you enough to let you sit near him or enter his place and then rob and/or assault him."

"Not so far-fetched, it has happened before." Sheldon noted.

"You know, I believe that…About the assault thing, at least." Leonard nodded. "I think we had better agree none of this gets to Bernie? I mean she's already none too fond of your sis, Amy. This would really…"

He eyed Amy's clearly pondering face…

Hmmn…Sibling problem removed.

"Amy? Bernadette is a mom…"

"Right, right…" Amy waved a hand. "Pity…Though they'd probably not give her too much jail time. Extenuating circumstances. But, after all, Charley promised to be good. And she is my sister."

Meaning…I'll deal with the bitch myself if she ever gives us any more trouble…She hissed to Sheldon.

"Family is family…" he nodded.

"God that'll be so cool to see…" Penny hissed. "Bernie and Charlotte locked in a death struggle…Over Howard." Giggle.

"Yeah, like you weren't considering Wolowitz as Leonard's alternate if he failed you…" Amy frowned, overhearing.

Penny blinking…What?

"You didn't agree to go out with him on that gaming date 'cause you didn't know who he was, bestie…" hard stare. "You were putting him on your chain."

"That does sound reasonable…" Sheldon agreed. "You had so much in common except height and gender and the fact that Howard had a successful career…"

What? Penny, sputtering a bit now…

"Leonard, say something…"

"Uhhh…." He hesitated, to her furious glance…

"Penny…I mean, I kinda did think you liked him at times. I mean if he'd been a little more your type…"

"Hulking six foot two, otherwise exactly the same…" Sheldon noted.

"What?!"

"I just mean…At the time…Honey…I mean when we first met…" Leonard carefully. "Well, you were going out with some real creeps. And then when you were really having a tough time and your self-esteem was down. And Howard clearly wasn't all bad. I'm sure if anything had happened it would have been after he broke up with Bernadette…Proved he could be a good guy. With a degree of randiness…"

"You did choose a man in Howard's height range." Amy pointed out. "And his patter did amuse you, from time to time…You liked it when he referred to you as Queen of the Night…You used to smile every time he called you, 'Your Majesty'."

"It's really not so terrible, honey…" Leonard noted. "You just saw something in Howard…"

"Redeemable? That's the word you better use, honey." She eyed him darkly.

"More 'doable' or 'your kind of one night stand-able', I think." Sheldon noted. "It's a good thing, really that night he never…"

"What?! I never…Even if he'd been six two and I'd known how much an engineer could make outside a university…" Penny, blinking at end.

"Oh, God…" she gasped.

"It's ok." Leonard patted her hand. "I'm sure you saw the redeemable thing too."

"Thank you…" she kissed his hand.

"Besides…If this is true, Howard never said a word." Leonard noted.

"Yeah, that was…Wait a minute…." Penny frowned.

Ooops…Sheldon eyed Amy…

"What? Whoa…" Leonard stared.

"So Howard was in on this, from the first night?" Penny blinked. "There really was a 'project Penny'? And Howard knew?"

"Well, really, I think it was more of a 'project Leonard'." Leonard, clearly rather pleased at the thought.

We'd best warn Howard, the cat is out of the experimental bag…Sheldon eyed Amy.

It's fine…I texted him when we agreed to tell Penny and Leonard, she whispered back.)

"Well…Anything for a pal…" Howard smiled back.

"I think she's about to get on that bus…" the woman noted, indicating Penny moving to a stopped bus.

"That's a shame, I guess we'll have to…Hey!" as she grabbed his hand and dragged him over to the bus, waving frantically for it to stop.

("Charlotte was so unsubtle…My way of dealing with Penny was so much better." Amy noted to Sheldon.

"Actually I think letting me and my temporary sidekick bring Penny into our social equation was rather…" he began. Amy, narrow-eyed glare.

"Buddy…Because I love you…And it's seeming like I may owe you. Stop right there…" Leonard hissed.

"What's she mean? 'Her way of dealing with Penny'…?" Penny asked Leonard.)


End file.
